WP on dads at home

Stay-at-Home Dads Forge New Identities, Roles
More Fathers Than Ever Are Primary Caregivers

By Katherine Shaver
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, June 17, 2007; A01

It could have been any play group in the Washington area, except for the diaper bags. No Vera Bradley flowers, no pastel polka dots. The bags lying around Matt Vossler's Rockville living room Tuesday afternoon were dark Eddie Bauer canvas. One was red but, as its owner quickly pointed out, "very metrosexual."

*snipped out a bunch of treacly angsty potty blather*

With their wives as breadwinners, the fathers are part of a small but growing group of men who are quitting or retooling their careers to stay home with their children.

On Fathers Day, an estimated 159,000 stay-at-home dads, or 2.7 percent of the country's stay-at-home parents -- almost triple the percentage from a decade ago -- will celebrate what has become a full-time job, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. But experts say that number should be far higher because the census definition doesn't consider single fathers, those with children over 15 or those who work part-time or flexible hours to be home. Federal labor statistics show the number of fathers providing their young children's primary care is more like one in five.

*blah blah*

"Dads get so much credit for staying home with the kids," said Eric Hazell, 43, of Bowie, who returned to a professorship at the University of Maryland in 2004 after two years with his children. "If moms work, they have possible guilt for not being home with their kids. If they're home, there's a lot of tug that they're sacrificing their career. For dads, people think it's just great that you stay home. Then when we go back [to work], it's what people expect in the first place."

Other times, staying home can be tricky.

Men tell stories of being excluded from mothers' groups and hearing of police questioning fathers seen hanging around the playground. Some have found close friends among stay-at-home mothers, while others say they don't feel comfortable with such socialization or fear their wives would disapprove.

Some fathers, particularly black men, say they have gone years without meeting another stay-at-home dad.

"There could be hundreds of kids [at a playground], and I'm sitting on the bench with my Blackberry," said Phil Rawlings, 42, of Upper Marlboro, who quit an 18-year paralegal career last fall to stay home with his 4-year-old. "I look around to keep an eye on Tyler, and there's nothing but moms."

*snip*

Most stay-at-home fathers say the decision boiled down to money: Their wives had fatter paychecks or more promising careers. Many say relying on one income has meant a more modest home, older cars and fewer vacations. Few opt out completely; many say they work part-time from home.

Jeff Miller and his wife, Shawn Brennan, both worked from their Silver Spring home after their first child was born. When they needed more money, Brennan took a full-time Montgomery County government job. Miller, 40, could continue as a lower-paid, part-time business professor at the University of Maryland, while his flexible home consulting business let him care for Bennett, now 7, and Megan, 5. Miller said he knows four other stay-at-home dads in his neighborhood.

"Today when I get back, I'll make a pot roast," he said Wednesday morning as he boiled pasta for Megan's picnic lunch with some preschool friends. After mixing Megan's "mystery cereal" -- his own concoction of three cereals and nuts for extra protein -- Miller pulled her hair into a ponytail, pointed her toward a flowered sundress to put on and loaded her into his Chrysler convertible.

At the park, one of the picnic mothers had brought sanitary wipes and a Dora the Explorer blanket, on which little girls ate sandwiches, corn on the cob and cut-up fruit. Megan sat on the grass eating her buttered pasta from a thermos. "I didn't really bring a bowl for you," Miller said apologetically. She didn't seem to care.

*snip, but it's worth reading*